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Chris the Producer
]] Birth and Early Life Chris was born on June 6th, 006 as a response by the devil to God's new baby boy, Jesus H. Christ, who was sent to save the world. Conceived out of lust, adultery, wedlock and several other sodomistic conditions, Chris was truly the spawn of Satan. As Chris grew, he learned all of his father's sadistic methods for torturing the general public. From plagues of leprosy to castrations to waterboarding, Chris grew in his knowledge of evil. Chris's ultimate dream was, and still is, to "bring death, comdemnation and eternal suffering on all the pathetic masses." Following in his father's footsteps, Chris became a midlevel Roman ruler under the alias of Pontius Pilate. From there, his extensive list of atrocities on humankind precede him. Various Acts of Violence, Hate and Just Plain Naughtiness 0-100 A.D. Chris's first great atrocity on the race of man was the crucifixion of Jesus Christ. While the history books (Well the ones that end with the words "...and because of all the gays, on the 8th day God created the AK-47, and dyed all their clothes bright pink and easy to spot from a distance. The end. By Kletus Klimmer - Kampbell Jr. Jr. (PHD in Cheese Appreciation - University of Moosefart Wyoming.)" anyway) tell us the Jews were ultimately responsible for this brutal murder, the underlying cause truly was this abomination Chris. When Jesus first arrived on the synagogue circuit in his home of Nazareth, he expected an enormous welcome. However, following his speech about the crazy old loons from the Old Testaments and the Laws of Moses, Chris then proceeded to posses a member of the crowd who called for them to throw Jesus off of the town cliff. The village of Jews was quickly seized by a mob mentality and started a riot. After stoning a few people (no, NOT with marijuana), they came after Jesus. Jesus, being the slippery little devil that he was, avoided the crazed crowd and left for his next gig. In the following few years, Chris realized Jesus power over these stupid Jews. Seeing the futility of trying to break Jesus' spirit, Chris followed his father's old saying of "if you can't beat 'em, kill 'em." He then possesed the weaker Jews of the nation of Israel, the Levites. While Jesus could have easily destroyed the soldiers sent to arrest him, he was weakened by his recent case of Hematidrosis and could only muster enough power to heal a soldier's ear that was cut off by his reactionary disciple, Peter. He used the Jews' susceptibility to mob mentality to have Jesus hence executed. When Jesus was risen he lost confidence in his ability to commit acts of evil and resigned himself to Class A misdemeanors. 100-Present... A.D. Following these events, Chris was proud of himself and felt he deserved a gap year, before returning to screwing over the world. So he took a budget arc-ride to York (don't laugh it was the ibiza of the B.C. - A.D. crossover generation... wait your turn guys all things come back in style). But unfortunately on his first day his underaged prostitute shat on his mini-stonehenge pop-up solar calender and he broke his wrist mounted sun-dial whilst punching her teeth out in rage. So unable to tell if his gap year was over he stayed in York raping nuns and writing songs for Olivia Newton John for several centuries until, by correctly estimating that at least two winters had passed, he came to the conclusion that it had been at least one year, and decided to get back into the mainstream world-screwing business. In the late 19th century Chris reincarnated him self into a little Austrian boy. At first he tried to get into painting but every one thought that it was shit. So, disappointed, Chris headed off to Germany hoping for a better life there. He joined the army and fought in World War 1. He enjoyed the war so much he wanted to do it again, but he did not have the power to do it. Then Chris got an idea (these were rare and never any good), He would get into politics. Making several speeches and writing a "Munich Times Best Seller" book, Chris finally warmed his way to the people's hearts. But Chris still needed a group of people for which to blame all of Germany's problems on. So Chris, using his time traveling powers went to the future to the moment when Andy made his historic dog puns. Chris decided it was best then to blame the jews. Going back to the 1930's Chris started one of the greatest Attrocites known to man kind, as well as the plot of several "Academy Award" winning movies. Unfortuenatley things weren't looking good for Chris so he decided to "pull the plug". And Chris went back to being Chris, in which he would commit the second greatest attrocity, producing the bugle. He decided to hypnotise the world's entire 7 billion population using subliminal messaging to create an entirely loyal slave army, with which to invade heaven and piss in its pool and then sneeze on the salad bar. To this end Chris had Tom the super-producer exiled to the wastelands of Australia, and took his place. The Day the Fear Ended In 2010, a day that will go down in history, a brave soul told us we did not need be afraid anymore, uttering the amazing words: ::: Fuck you, Chris! And the sun shined the next day Chris Facts *Chris's hips DO lie *Chris got rid of "sexy". Tom had to bring it back. *Chris Commonly mules drugs into the UK and ocasionaly other countries (really bad drugs too). *Chris Invented GHB. *Chris produced the infamous Rebeca Black's "Friday" song. *Chris gave consulting advice on the construction of the Fukushima Dai-ichi nuclear plant in Japan. Chris's main consulting role was to reduce costs by negotiating down safety requirements from the government requested able to withstand a 9.5 severity earthquake with tidal wave down to merely being able to withstand an 8.5 without. The position made Chris spectacularly wealthy, but he spent most of that money bankrolling the apartheid regime in South Africa and helping them to acquire nuclear weapons. *Chris regularly volunteers at a local homeless shelters, but spends all his time there intentionally playing grand piano (which he brings) poorly and asking for spare change before reading Ayn Rand's Atlas Shrugged to the patrons. It's also worth noting that when he volunteers he also does so under several aliases so that the shelters are short staffed as well. *Chris fabricated the intelligence regarding WMDs in Iraq which precipitated the Iraq war. *Chris boycotted the movie Avatar because he thought it unfairly portrayed the suffering of indigenous groups at the hands of resource hungry colonizers as "unfunny and unfair" *Chris advised the church of Scientology on how to be more exclusive and creepy. *Chris is known as a personal crusader for the continued fishing of Whales and Dolphins and was seen at the 2010 academy awards giving the long bowman's salute to the producers as they accepted the award, though this gesture was actually seen by most Americans as a sign of support. *Chris got a start in the buisness of audio production by producing the Rwandan radio station who's propaganda was claimed to have precipitated the genocidal Civil War. *Chris enjoys mimes. *Chris negotiated the revival of "Big Brother" *Chris tried to resusitate Bob Marley after he died from a drug overdose, the moment that he touched Bob's lips he became high for 369 days. *I am in love with Chris' voice. *Fuck you Chris! *Chris is the reason why Andy is a bad Jew. A bad, bad Jew. *Chris tells himself he's "The Best!" whilst looking in the mirror. *Chris has tiger blood. *Chris wrote the last episode of Seinfeld *Chris was the first openly gay ruler of Denmark from 1999 to 2003. *Chris invented Ebaum's World. *Chris is the reason I don't know how magnets work. *Chris is the goalkeeper coach for the English football team. *Chris frequently issues super-injunctions when his friends make jokes about him. He also has them killed by his mafia contacts. *Chris grinds the bones of Englishmen to make his bread. *Chris is Rupert Murdoch's pet, and is requesting that he charge people to listen to the Bugle. *Chris is the examiner who gave me a U for writing factual bullshit in my GCSE History exam. **In fact, Chris is responsible for most of history. But only the bad bits. *Chris enforces the blockade on Gaza, against the will of the Israeli military. The U.S. vetoes all United Nations resolutions condemning his inhuman actions. *Tolkien based the character of Sauron on Chris. He later said in an interview on Fox News that he had downplayed some of the more evil and shocking aspects of Chris's character to prevent anyone reading about his exploits from going instantly mad. *Not content with his usual hobby of dunking seagulls in barrels of oil, Chris sabotaged a BP oil rig. *Chris once sucked all the protein out of a Rhino. *Chris is the reason "Firefly" was cancelled. *The critically acclaimed trilogy "High School Musical", known for its gritty portrayal of life in an American High School, and the stresses of unrealistic expectations of the youth of today in relation to the staging of a musical, was conceived and written by Chris. *Chris failed utterly to prevent the outbreak of WW2. *Chris owns a pet donkey named "Princess Lady." *Chris' drug habit is the reason we pay taxes. *The characters Avon Barksdale, and Stanislaus Valchek from The Wire are based on Chris *Chris supports Sarah Palin. He adores her as a politician, a role model and a woman. In fact, there is some speculation that he is actually her father - and therefore directly responsible for her existence. *Chris recently brought a pig back to Britain from a recent visit to Mexico. *Chris influences catholic priests to touch little boys. *Chris, not Helen, was responsible for the Trojan War. He chatted up Paris in a club, and the poor kid fell for his charms. Unfortunately Chris wasn't interested and Paris ended up staging the entire war as an outlet for his angst. *Chris hacked the Gmail accounts for China. *Chris is the reason that Bugle 128 was not upload correctly and Buglers had to wait until sunday to get it. *It was Chris who killed Archduke Franz Ferdinand and caused WW1. *Thinking about Chris is illegal in Lima, Peru. *Chris was Pat Robertson's former mentor. *Chris once attempted to fix a trade deficit with China by hooking the entire country on opium. That's right! Chris started the Opium Wars of the 19th century. *"Now I am become Chris, the destroyer of worlds." - Robert Oppenheimer. *Chris was special assistant to Joseph "Nothing to see here" Ratzinger when the latter was Archbishop of Munich and Freising. Do the children's cries keep you awake at night, Chris? I didn't think so. *Hey, Chris! Why'd you start this whole "global warming" thing? Making our planet hotter? Fuck you, man! *Chris has the heart of an angel... He keeps it in a jar on his desk. *Chris often preforms ice pick lobotomies from the back of his van. *Chris likes to trip old people and laugh in their face. *Chris was found dead in a cheap hotel room last year. He wore only three socks (none of them matching) and reports claim an orange had been stuffed into his mouth. He is now a zombie. A sick, sick zombie. *Chris is the lovechild of Nick Griffin and Carla Bruni. He gets his looks from dad, and his taste in French men from mum. *Chris enjoys destroying rainforests, being rude to underground staff, and organising coups in small to mid sized African nations. *Chris hates trumpets, never mind bugles. Can he really be trusted? *Chris is a fine chap...if you like Holocaust deniers. *Chris once led a bloodless coup in a southern African nation, then stole the country's rich platinum reserves and escaped, leaving the poor natives to fend for themselves. *Chris only calls his mother when he needs money. And he he doesn't even have the courtesy to ask how she's doing. *Chris once rented a baby to show off at one of the various high class events he's known to frequent and then broke its leg and sent it back for a refund. *Chris plays all the abusive parents in NSPCC adverts because he plays the part so well. *Chris is the reason The Beatles split up. *Chris convinced John to do "The Love Guru" instead of accepting the lead in "The Dark Knight" telling him that..."the Batman thing is over". *Chris voted for Bush in the 2004 election over 300 times. *Chris lists his hobbies as stamping on kittens, torching childrens hospitals, and telling 4 year olds that Father Christmas does not really exist. *Chris is an active member of Westboro Baptist Church. *Chris continues to donate to Rudi Giuliani's 2008 campaign. *Chris is the father of Nick Griffen *Chris travels on monthly expeditions to the polar ice caps with a flamethrower to speed up the effects of global warming. *Chris is the reason that Andy started the Audio Cryptic Crossword. *Chris is the reason that Andy discontinued the Audio Cryptic Crossword. *Chris is the reason that John disliked the Audio Cryptic Crossword *Chris hunted down former producer Tom and held him and his beautiful family hostage while he robbed them of their most treasured possessions, including a signed photo of Andy and a limited edition John Oliver sock. *Chris enjoys continuing the old Spartan tradition of leaving babies on the side of a mountain if they are deemed too weak. *Chris once attempted to teabag the Queen. *Chris once succeded in teabagging Prince Phillip *Chris' favourite hottie from History was Margaret Thatcher. *Whenever Chris buys groceries, he deliberately pays 10p less than the actual price in order to start an argument. *Chris always carries a knife. *Chris likes nothing more than watching endangered animals frolic freely and happily in their natural habitat in the African savannah... through the sight of his rifle. *Chris shot JFK. *Chris did NOT shoot John Lennon. However, when John Oliver was looking for a new flat in New York, Chris strongly urged him to move into the Dakota Building. *Zeus didn't rape Leda, it was Chris in a swan costume. (One for all you classicists out there.) *Chris impregnated Samantha Cameron, just to increase the likelihood of a conservative victory in the coming election, *Chris ordered the My Lai massacre. *Chris suggested Vladimir Putin should plant some new trees outside Smolensk airport. He just doesn't like the Poles. *Chris encouraged and then proceeded to plan the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor. *Chris betrayed the Bay of Pigs invasion to the Cuban government for thirty pieces of silver. *Chris led the 268 American soldiers to their deaths at the Battle of Little Bighorn. *Chris has a tattoo that says, "I Don't Love Mom" *Chris is product of an orgy with all the cast members of the Jersey Shore. *"Smoke enough crack today Chris? Jesus man you are higher at six in the morning than most people are all year!" --Chris's mother, circa two days ago. *Chris has no reflection. *Chris is the reason we can't go to Mars. *Chris is covering up a massive Vatican sex scandal. *Chris rolls dwarves down hills, smiling and singing all the while. *Chris smokes two joints when he wakes up, then goes off and commits knife crime across greater London. *Chris teaches strict Creationism. *Chris runs and operates a fully functioning opium den. *Chris went back in time to watch Jesus die, just for kicks and giggles. He kicked Jesus and giggled like a little girl. *Chris donated a kidney to Osama bin Laden so that his reign of terror could continue. *Chris stole Andy's bin. *Chris killed Biggie and Tupac. *Chris hates cricket. *Chris sent a picture of his knob to Tony Hart with a note saying "Stick that in your gallery, you white haired bastard!" *Chris shot Arch Duke Franz Ferdinand, precipitating WW1. *Chris personally ended the Space Shuttle Program *Chris caused Andy and John had to take 4 weeks off in August 2010. Andy even went to Edinburgh to get away from him *Chris is the only known human to be both a right-wing extremist and a left-wing extremist. *Chris spends his Tuesday evenings giving cocaine-laced candy to the local children. *Chris was the iceberg which sunk the Titanic. *Chris hates everything you stand for. *Chris has C-Cup Breasts. *Chris is the 'Europe' of producers. *Chris invented impalas, octopi and puppets. *Chris is the reason fish have no fingers, only invisible internal thumbs. *Chris is reason that flammable and inflammable mean the same thing. *Chris is an active member of the Conservative Party, and is directly responisble for raising student tuition fees. (On behalf of all students, Fuck You Chris!!). *Chris has very nice hair. *Chris is both the inspiration for, and the main ingredient in, the KFC Double Down. *On his only trip to Detroit, in 1964, Chris led a SWAT team into local bar and knowingly arrested 30 innocent people. Thus starting the 1964 riots in Detroit *Chris has been renting his closet out to Osama Bin Laden since 2003 when they ran into each other coming out of a Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle matinee and got on after agreeing that video of R Kelly peeing on some girl was probably CGI'd. *Chris was the first man to simultaneously reach both poles in a mankini. *Chris lost his penis and a toe to frostbite. *If you have ever stepped on a stink bug, Chris invented that smell and sold it to all stink bugs for a fee of 1 pound. *Chris was the conscience of the Unabomber, and if you look into his closet you will find an angel outfit and a devil outfit. *Chris stole John Major's moustache. He occasionally wears it to fancy dress parties (in drag). *Chris had the idea of putting ads for lame football podcasts in the middle of The Bugle. *Chris is actually the much older and much less attractive brother of The American. *Chris invented cricket. *Chris put the Smallpox virus on those blankets. *Chris coined the phrase 'bunga bunga'. *Chris told Steven Speilberg and George Lucas to make Indiana Jones and the kingdom of the crystal skull. *Nuclear power is actually man's hatred of Chris in the form of energy. *Chris is personally responsible for the spelling of the word 'Wednesday'. *Chris's mentor-turned-rival Lyndon Johnson once said, "If I ordered a whole carload of sons-of-bitches and they just sent Chris, I'd sign for the shipment." *Chris will be the campaign manager for Sarah Palin's presidential run in 2012. *Chris is the only known entity in the universe to have survived a roundhouse kick by Chuck Norris. *Chris has cancer in all internal organs, except in his ovaries. *Chris's musk causes 94.76% of world pollution, feel fortunate he was born without an anus. *Chris married a Grilled Cheese sandwich in 1989. They have six delicious children *Chris was a founding member of 1980s American post punk band Timbuk 3 *Chris once mated with a velociraptor. It was so-so. *Chris once had a contest with Sting to see who could go the longest without orgasming while being sexually pleasured by buxom blond Ukrainian nurses. Chris won by 6 days, 13 hours, 39 minutes, and 16 seconds. The first 2 days, 6 hours, 17 minutes, and 46 seconds of which were just to make sure he had won, the rest was just showing off. *Chris is allergic to pastrami. *Chris is LeBron James. *Chris is going to cancel Community *Chris secretly died in 1978. He was replaced by a Bugle producing robot who has been acting in his place ever since. This becomes clear if you play episode 99 backwards. *Chris has sensually kissed Jack Ruby in Dallas. No, no that Jack Ruby. A different one. *Chris' best friend is a giant hamster names Mortimer. *Chris needs to lick car batteries in order to achieve an erection. *Chris was pope once, but the funny hat clashed with his style so he quit that gig. When asked about his favorite part of being pope Chris was quoted as saying, "No rubbers! Oh yeah!" *Chris is a frequent jogger, *Chris is not actually human, but a human looking breed of turtle. *Chris has never worn underpants. *Chris is a hottie from history. *Chris is currently the oldest he's ever been. *Chris was a member of the 1919 Black Sox, but his part was cruelly cut from Field of Dreams. *Chris was abducted by aliens in 1997. He destroyed their entire civilization. Why? All Chris would say was, "It was going to happen anyway." *Chris thinks Jackie Robinson was a cunt. Cook Books Chris recently produced a line of cook books. Highlights include an interesting Lobster dish where the lobster was replaced by an adorable baby kitten. A wonderful dessert is also featured, where the dreams of children are crushed into a pie crust. Here is an example reciepe on how to make pizza *300g flour - have your slaves get it *20g hemlock *4kg salt *No sugar, no spices, nothing you might actually like (most reciepes don't list things you wont use, but Chris' do) *30 handfuls of lies (Tory policies will suffice if you can't source lies at short notice) *1 chopped dolphin heart *Pinch of mercury Category:People Category:Producers